Am I really cold?
I've been posting recently about the common occurrence of saying something to someone in the heat of the moment and later regretting it. The teenager or toddler who shouts I hate you at their parents, springs to mind. I have more than my fair share of arguments, and when I later respectfully challenged the other person to explain why they said something I perceived as hurtful, they often said, 'I don't know why I said that'. I have had numerous clients tell me of scenarios where they have said something to their partner or loved one and couldn't figure out why they would want to hurt someone who they dearly love. In response I tell them that its not them you want to say those things to but to the person who made you feel that way, the first time you felt like that.
Back in 1992 my then boyfriend, now husband, broke up with me. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I was desperate to know why someone who appeared to love me so much could suddenly end things. When we got back together many years later we reflected on our past, as you do, and one thing kept coming back to me and that was that my husband, back then, said I was cold. I don't think that is the first thing that springs to mind when people think of me, but I am not so naïve to think that there aren't times that I appear cold, or as I more truthfully admit, clinical. However, in that scenario with my husband I would have to say I was not. When I asked him years later why he said it, he said he had no idea because that is not how he saw me then and not how he sees me now.
Working it out in the present
Being curious I wanted to figure out what could drive someone to say something they don't mean and, as is so often the case, it came back to feelings. My avoidant attachment strategies make me fiercely independent at times. I am a keen problem solver and when I have to deal with a challenge I can easily focus on what needs to be done and push my feelings aside to protect myself from failing or, worst still for someone avoidant, feeling helpless or vulnerable. Back then in my late teens, I was dealing with my parents marriage ending, starting university and trying to figure out who I was in my relationship and with this new life I was building at college. I was in head-down get on with it so you don't drown, mode. For my husband, then boyfriend, this change to our circumstance meant the risk of something changing and a fear I would move on.
His response to his own feelings of vulnerability was to get out before he would get hurt and so his justification was to call me cold. Of course, this was not about me but about his own past experiences, which is why when asked he couldn't explain why he called me that. I bet if you were to think about it you can think of a million situations where you, or someone you know, said something to someone, about them, that you really didn't mean. Sometimes we do it to hurt, or other times to end an argument or make our own discomfort go away. The one thing we all have in common is that we are reacting to our feelings and those feelings influence how we treat those around us. For some it is to go on the offensive, such as those with an anxious attachment pattern, or for others it is to go on the defensive, such as those with and avoidant pattern.
Now it's your turn
If you think back to the last time you did this, I know I have reflected on this, you will probably become aware that what you said was to protect you from your feelings of discomfort and most likely exactly what you would have liked to have said the first time you felt those feelings many years ago. Consider this. As a child you felt compared to a sibling, you resented your mother or father for doing this but you also were desperate for them to love you like you imagine they loved your sister. So instead of getting angry you tried to be good, be the person you thought they wanted you to be and secretly felt said and angry that they just couldn't love you exactly as you are. You may have tried to sabotage your sister and felt wounded that they couldn't see how much you were hurting but at such a young age you were unable to say this and to get them to understand that you felt rejected and not good enough.
Now twenty or thirty years later every time someone makes you feel like your are not good enough, maybe criticising you for something you said or did, you fly off the handle. Your anger is disproportionate to the current situation but you can't help yourself. Your anger bursts out of you. You accuse them of not loving you, of making your feel stupid or worthless. You call them all sorts of hurtful names and they can't seem to understand why you have over-reacted because for them, that's not what they meant, but you can't listen, or won't. Later you calm down, you feel ashamed and embarrassed that you said all those things. You know they didn't mean that and you didn't mean what you said either. You don't how to get back from this place because you still also feel hurt.
When this happens, all the stuff you said was what the little child that was you wanted to say when your parents compared you to your sister. You were angry and hurt but back then those feelings had no place to go and so they show up in the present when someone says or does something that feels like you did back then. This is what an implicit, or felt, memory does. It shows up as a feeling and our mind desperately searches for evidence in the present to validate the feeling and then you say all the things you would have liked to have said back then but couldn't. When the feeling calms down, you realise what you said was not true for the situation you are in right now, or for the person you were with at that moment.
The solution
So what's the solution? Self-awareness and somatic awareness. Being present with how you are feeling and acknowledging the story you are telling yourself about those feelings. It takes practice at staying curious and you need tools to stay grounded and emotionally regulated but it is possible. I know, because I have learned to do it myself. It might look like this. Your loved one says something that makes you feel not good enough. You immediately notice the tension in your body. You can feel your anger rise in you. You breath and say, 'when you say things like that I can feel myself getting angry'. I love parts-work for this next bit. 'There's a part of me that feels like you don't love me or that I have to be someone else to be loved by you are that you prefer other people to me'. Keep breathing, take a break if you need to. Notice the feeling and see if you can identify the story attached to it or even better the memory. You might say, 'it reminds me of when my parents compared me to my sister and I felt like there was something wrong with me'. This next bit is important. Identify what you need and tell the other person what that is. For example, 'I need to you be mindful of how what you say can sound hurtful. I prefer if you would say it like this...' Or, 'what I heard is that you think I'm not good enough, is that what you meant to say?' Focus on repair in the relationship and making sure you are allowing yourself to acknowledge and honour your feelings.
Self-awareness and reflection.
Taking on board what my husband said was a great moment of reflection for me. Not only has it allowed me to see that I can be clinical and self-preserving at times, it has also helped me to be more open about my feelings so that those moments won't be misinterpreted. I am learning to own my own patterns of relating, especially those linked to my attachment. More importantly, all this has taught me to take things less personally and to stay curious. Now, I wonder what I might have done that triggered an implicit memory in someone else. I ask more questions and hold space for other people's hurt and frustration. I take responsibility for my part and I give other permission to express what they need from me and do my best to give them that, especially when the relationship and connection matter to me. I used to think I was self-aware, others told me I was, but I now know I have only tipped the iceberg. It is an ongoing process but it is one of the best rollercoaster rides I have ever been on and, trust me, I've been on quite a few.
Thanks for reading. If you are interested in coaching then book a free discovery session.
I hope our paths cross again in future.
Much love,
Elfreda
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