As the year draws to a close I have been reflecting on what kind of year it has been and was it what I hoped it would be. I'm not sure at the start of 2024 I had any major expectations but because 2024 was a year of a milestone birthday for me, I probably had more than I usually would. I know I wanted a smooth transition from my 40s to my 50s and yet I fractured my foot within weeks of my fiftieth birthday and almost couldn't go on the wonderful day out my husband had planned for my birthday. I wondered was my birthday trying to help me not have any regrets about turning 50 by making the end of my forties so eventful. On top of the fracture, I also caused a large amount of damage to my car by scratching it off a pillar and I had two MRIs and an ultrasound within days of my birthday. Turning 50 I thought, it couldn't get any worse, and I am happy to say it didn't.
Getting older
If you read my last blog post you will remember that I spoke about not being stressed despite being incredibly busy. On reflection, I can see how turning 50 has been liberating. Getting older gives you so many things to care less about. I worry less about what other people think and I worry less about f*cking up. I know I'm gonna do it, so why worry. This year also helped me to adjust my priorities and recognise that my health and my most important relationships are far more important than work or deadlines, and with a little self-trust I'll get there in the end.
One of the highlights of this year, and one I really wasn't sure I'd make, was getting my research published in the International Journal of Evidence-based Coaching and Mentoring. There was a point after getting my peer-reviewers' feedback when I genuinely thought I couldn't do it. In that moment I had to put my big-girl pants on and stop taking it as a sign I wasn't good enough and seeing it as an opportunity to be better. I have my co-author Julia Papworth to thank for getting me over the line, without her expertise I would have struggled to get there.
Imaginary Audience
This year has also been a year of not taking things so personally. Teaching Human Growth and Development has given me the chance to learn about some new theories in Psychology. One being David Elkind's Adolescent Egocentrism. This theory focuses on three fables or beliefs that teenagers possess. The first is an imaginary audience that they think is watching and judging their every move. The second is a personal fable that makes them think that no one understands them or has gone through what they are going through and the last is an invincibility fable. This is the belief that bad sh*t happens to other people and not them so taking risks is fine because they are different. I am sure, like me, when you read this you laugh, not only at the teenagers in your own life who are like this but also the memory of your own teens, when you felt the same. This theory had me thinking about how we have created a world that perpetuates the imaginary audience fable, through the ever-present audience on social media.
When I first started sharing on social media, especially video, I was terrified of being judged. I am not the only one, and I often have colleagues mention how they could never do what I do. The funny thing is, once you start you realise that no one really cares. My audience is not big enough to get the critical comments that some others do and the odd occasion that I have hasn't bothered me. Everyone has a choice as to who they follow and if they don't like me they can unfollow and go find someone they do like. I'd be lying if on those first few occasions I did get a criticism that my heart didn't beat a little faster as I considered my response. However, I now see how it is the myth of this big audience who cares so much about you that they are judging you, rather than the reality that no one really cares and their comments are about where they are at, and not about you at all. I think for many of us the idea of an imaginary audience takes longer to leave us than our teenage years and now more than ever with social media.
For many people this time of year is also a time for setting goals and making plans for the upcoming New Year. I have never been one for this. I am not sure why, I think it may be a by-product of an unpredictable childhood where having hopes and dreams could be shattered in an a instant. I also think it is because my focus has always been more on being rather than doing. For the past few years much of my personal development has focused on being more of the person I want to be and less of the person I think I am supposed to be. In 2023 I did a lot of parts-work that helped me shift some of my more vulnerable parts that were triggering legacy complex trauma symptoms. If you are not aware of Internal Family Systems Theory then I recommend you read No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz. In 2024 I didn't feel the need to any of this work as I focused more in building a relationship with my parts and my own self-energy. I realise now that this is a privilege facilitated by two things. One the security of my relationship with my husband, and two the luxury of getting older and being less focused on what other's think. For 2025, I have no goals. I just want to be well, to be happy, to spend time with those I love, to have meaningful work and plenty of opportunities to laugh. This last one was something I started in 2024 by booking 5 comedy shows and for next year I already have 5 booked more.
Gratitude
I shall close this blog with a nod to my gratitude. Having spent most of my life in fear, and for a period of being killed, I am eternally grateful for safety I feel in my life now. I know life is unpredictable and my health is a sh*tshow but I am surrounded by people who accept me and that, for me, makes the world a safer place. Not having to try to be what other's want is liberating and I feel truly privileged that I have been able to create a life like this. So for next year, I will be asking for more of the same, minus the fracture. I want to keep doing what I am doing because it is working and I want to keep having opportunities to make the world a better place in whatever small way I can. What about you? Was 2024 all it was cracked up to be and what are you hoping for in 2025?
Thanks for reading. If you are interested in coaching then book a free discovery session. If not, I hope our paths cross again in future.
Love,
Elfreda
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