Why I have started worrying less and relaxing more.
For those of you who don't recognise the image this is Catherine Tate's character, Lauren Cooper, from her acclaimed sketch show. She came to mind recently when I noticed how I was responding to an increasing workload and a long to-do list. Unlike Lauren, my response was not so much a defensive response but more a realisation that something had changed and what in the past would have been a source of worry and even sleepless nights, now it was not.
In the before time...
Until my late thirties, I was a chronic worrier. I hid it well, I think. At least many of my friends didn't guess and most people saw someone who was confident and always seemed on top of things. I have developed a knack for getting things done for other people promptly, not because I am organised or even efficient but because of a decades old fear of forgetting something and letting someone down. Send me a message to ask me something and if it possible to do it today, it will go to the top of my to-do list. If I can't do it today, it will be done as soon as is humanly possible, usually within a matter of days. I can tell where this comes from, and if we were sitting over a cup of coffee, I'd tell you all the details. However, for now all you need to know is that it is linked to a specific event with my mother which triggered an innate fear of letting people down and hurting their feelings. If you haven't guessed, that's an attachment wound and my response is an avoidant attachment pattern of compulsive caregiving and compulsive compliance.
As you can imagine this prioritising other people's needs and requests comes with a price. Worry, fear of hurting others and most importantly, from an attachment perspective, avoiding shame. Inhibiting affect is an avoidant attachment pattern of suppressing unwanted emotions. This can take the shape of engaging in behaviours that will help you avoid feeling a particular emotion and in my case it is the shame of letting someone down. Thankfully, these days I have adopted this as a super power, modest much. My ability to get things done stands to me and builds trust in me from other people. One of the biggest differences now, is that I am not afraid of saying no. I am not embarrassed when I get things wrong and when the shame hits, I don't hide from it. I make amends if I have to and I move on.
Busier than ever.
How did I get to this place of acceptance and accountability you may ask? I'll be honest that I am not exactly sure but I can tell you what I have done and the moment when I knew something had changed. This week in particular helped me to recognise the shift in my worry. At the moment, I am teaching 17 hours a week. I am teaching 7 different courses, three of which are accredited. I've also been seeing clients, creating content and in the past two weeks marking over 30 assignments with detailed feedback. On top of that I recorded a podcast interview, dealt with the workload of working for two different organisations as well as my own business and have driven to 6 different locations each week to deliver my classes. All this on top of having two chronic illnesses and torn rotator cuff and thoracic outlet syndrome. I'm not looking for a pat on my back, everyone is busy, but as I read this I think I need to give myself one. Good on you, Elfreda! (intended as humour, for those who are confused). The reason I am sharing all this is to highlight how busy and complicated things are at the moment. In the past, months like this would have lead to several sleepless nights. I would have laid awake worrying about all the things I had to do, all the possible things I could forget and all the people who would suffer if I f*cked up.
This time, this just didn't happen. I have slept as good as ever. I have not found myself worrying, I have not replayed my to-do list endlessly in my head and I have not found myself so restless that I couldn't relax. In fact, during this time, I have seen my doctor 3 times, my physio twice, my dentist, seen friends, even had one stay over, test driven a new car, sorted out a hole in the fireplace, with my husband, and ordered a new stove and been to see Interpol in the 3 Arena. I'm amazed that my personal life and priorities haven't suffered. And so I find myself coming back to Lauren Cooper and the recognition this week that for the first time in my life, I am not remotely bothered that something could go wrong.
How did I get here?
One of the biggest shifts for me has been the level of trust I have in myself. As someone who can default to avoidant attachment having to trust myself has always been a big part of my success. However, this time it is not only about trusting myself but knowing that other people trust me too and that if I do f*ck up it is likely for a good reason. I also no longer fear my mistakes as being evidence that I am not good enough or an opportunity for others to see me as incompetent or incapable. To give you an example. I noticed a few of my slides in one of my classes this week had typos. In the past I would have been mortified, and rushed to fix them. This time, I acknowledged it to my students, said I was sorry, laughed that it 'just wasn't good enough' and told them it was no reflection on how important they were or how prepared I was. I knew my stuff, I just didn't do a proof read before sharing.
I have spent quite a bit of time mentally rehearsing what it feels like to walk around in a world where you belong. It is one of my favourite things to do. I also practice this when I am out and about. I have noticed it changes how I walk, my pace and the slow steading movement of my body. It changes what I pay attention to. I find myself smiling more and acknowledging people as I pass them. In the past my recognition of others was more from hypervigilance rather than just being happy to say hello to people, or feeling a sense of being exactly where I am meant to be. The other thing I do it focus on my strengths. I look for evidence that I can do things well. I reflect on times when I was busy in the past and coped and how good I am at winging it, when I need to. I have also looked for evidence that other people trust me. I have remembered compliments and watched for signs that people respect me. In the past I would have dismissed these moments as random events rather than repeated evidence that other people see me in a good light. I have also reminded myself to see myself in the way that others do, even if at times I don't agree with their positive perception of me.
Lastly, I have built a relationship with my parts, from a parts-work perspective. I have created trust within my own system so that when an old worry or fear shows up, I can see it for what it is , a part that needs reassuring. I talk to those parts, I remind them that I am no longer that little girl who was shamed for getting things wrong and that she, like me, is not responsible for other people's feelings. And if I do mess up, I trust myself to apologise and repair the rupture. I am not perfect, I don't have to be, but what I can do is put my relationships with others first. If I can't do what they need, I can trust myself enough to let them know why, without feeling ashamed or guilty.
So this past month when I looked at my diary and to-do list and I thought of how much I had to do, instead of worrying I would let someone down and make a mistake, I got some sleep, I relaxed and said to myself, 'am I bovvered?' The answer I got was, no I am no longer bothered about messing up because I trust myself enough to know that if I do, or even when I do, I can fix it and that other people will trust me enough to know I haven't done it on purpose.
Thanks for reading. If you are interested coaching, Get in touch. I am booking clients for 2025. I hope our paths cross again in future.
Love, Elfreda
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